I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
You Might Also Like
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Found the job I’m suited for
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
For the ones in the back.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter