Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
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When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Husband of the year 😂
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn