will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
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Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
My whole life was a lie.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
when the buffet is more honest than your date
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.