Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
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The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears