My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
You Might Also Like
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Kermit goes Blue.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
The absolute effort that went into this omg
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO