I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
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People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener