Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
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[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.