@SodomyClown: I don't know what it means to "find your better half" but I hope my better half is a robot so that I can be half human half robot.
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@Yankeegiant72: The bad news: I shaved off my beard. The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
@AngelaEhh: I thought I wanted to get married again. Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn't think.
@InternetHippo: 911 OPERATOR (female): What’s your emergency GUY (being murdered): Haha nothing what are you up to
@capricecrane: I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.