If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
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If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.