[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
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Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.