I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
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The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Extremely relatable.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.