Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
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I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.