what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
😬
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.