@littlekitnerboy: I don't know what to do with my arms when I'm running, should I fold them?
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@briangaar: The new Batman is super realistic -- he's attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him
@thepunningman: [landlord showing new tenant around] "No smoking allowed" "How about pets?" "That's fine" [dog walks in and lights up] "We'll take it"
@secondofhername: What is the difference between a girl and a pool table? You have a shot with a pool table.
@wineoclock39: Sometimes I shock myself with smart things I say. Other times, I struggle to get out of my car with the seatbelt on.