GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
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what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting