I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
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My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
worst…sale…ever
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.