I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
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Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
So glad we cleared that up
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice