I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
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I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.