I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
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been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
i really liked this one
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what