Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
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GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who