@rolldiggity: "I don't know where this rumor started, but Company and I are just good friends." -Misery
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@FatherWithTwins: *co-worker approaching elevator* *I try to hit "close door" button* *I miss, hit "open door"* Co-worker: thanks for holding it Me: Of course
@SincerelyMen: "Seize the day" in Latin is "Carpe Diem" ..."Seize the day" in Douchebag is "YOLO"
@novicefather: My 3yo just told me that he loves to make babies and I don't know what it means but I'm terrified.