everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
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Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
The sacred texts.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!