Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
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If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.