I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
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[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
*launders Kohls cash*
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started