@VodkaTiem: I don't know who put chairs in the elevator, but that's a kind of laziness that I can respect.
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@tuckerflodman: Dad: I'm so hungry. Me: Hi, so hungry I'm son! *Dad turns head very slowly* [camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
@dyldonot: "any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?" [I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic] HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
@fanofhell: Cop: show us where the hamburgers are, hamburglar Hamburglar: you've got the wrong guy. I steal ham. You're thinking of hamburgerburglar
@liv_thatsme: "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?" Me: I cooked it for you. It's over there, on that teaspoon.