I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
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The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis