So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
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Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.