“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
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the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Saw online –
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”