I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
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doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Is your wife single?
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.