I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
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Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.