I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
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The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.