I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
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Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?