I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Note to self: I am a note
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline