I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
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Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby