I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
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Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.