Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
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i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*