@samalmightysam: I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
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@iGreenMonk: Every night I keep a pillow under my gun in case a murderer threatens me to a pillow fight.
@hyperblastchic: Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I'm a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind! Roommate: You DO know that's a guy...right?
@ericsshadow: [on a date] Play it cool don't let her know you're a refrigerator [her ex-boyfriend turns off the electricity] "This isn't cool man."