I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
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The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
do horses think humans are hats
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.