@OneFunnyMummy: I don't know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
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@SamGrittner: If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
@causticbob: I said to my wife, 'Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.'' 'Bob, that's a cat.'
@BobTheSuit: Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode. Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.