I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
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Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I gave up going to work for lent.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.