I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
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I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.