Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
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Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
mood
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies