[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
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Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
bad news gang
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.