“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
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I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
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Me: Same
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage