Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
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2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa