8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
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I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
new record!
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Make your daily standup meeting shorter