@Adam14: I don't know why people say life is short....this seems to be taking forever.
@GrantTanaka: [wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that's my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
@ItsDumbTweets: 😂 wtf
@WhtUReallyMean: I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I'm living in their attic.
@VerifiedDrunk: A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that's not a sacrifice I'm willing to make for love.
@MrLloydSpandex: Japan's flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.