I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
You Might Also Like
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
**SIGN IN WITH FACEBOOK**
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma