I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
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you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak