I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
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*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.