I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
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My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh