@rocknthepurple: I don't know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
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@famouscrab: yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
@SaltyCorpse: I have to go watch my kid in a math competition and I just don't understand why Jesus has forsaken me like this.
@trojansauce: [about to have sex] WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?! [cut to] ME: *making balloon animals at work* [cut back] ME: affair
@Mr_Kapowski: If we are in fact living in a computer simulation, I wish the 11 year old running my account would send me to the gym more often