I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
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If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I mean…but I did
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*