I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
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Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
This is Sparta
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…