I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
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Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
Sell your car
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.