I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
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When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
my first day as a raccoon
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.