I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
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The Sun
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3