@1Happytwit: I don't know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
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@kelkulus: Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we're pigs.
@adamrensch: People always say "Wow, your baby looks so much like you," as though it's supposed to defy genetics & look exactly like a coffee mug.
@deardilettante: I'm meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he'll be deleting my number in a few hours.