I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
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waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
The Weeknd is back
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them